2-3-21 working with others: Option orientation

Shit happens all the time, and whatever you do it will happen no matter what precautions you are taking

So how to deal with it:

-          Don't focus on the problem. That will just consume most of your energy and attention

-          Focus on the solution and how to treat this

-          Know that the problem that has happed already is outside your locus of control, but the solution is the thing you can control all the time

-          Don't go to tell anyone about it without you figuring out options to solve it and picking out the best approach to deal with it 

2-3-20 working with others: Attribution error

When something goes in the wrong way/ doesn't work as expected …we tend to blame the reason on someone else, and this someone blames it on another person …. Everyone and everything is wrong but us :/

Actually it is almost one of two things:

1-     You are part of this if not the essential cause of what happened and you just don't want to admit that

2-     It is because of inevitable circumstances and the guy you blame is doing his best but that was just out of his control

So before you take action you are gonna regret, collect as much info about this situation as possible, know about the context of this …. Then try to fix it first then blame who is ti be blamed and take action against him (don't reverse this as you may need that person you are going to blame –to fix this situation because things may go wrong when blaming him and he refuses to assist you fixing this)

And if you don't know detailed context about the problem, assume it is due to some circumstances. Unless this kind of behavior/action becomes sort of a pattern with a specific someone, then you are free to take action against him

Also, be fair and blame some of this on you, at least for not foreseeing this coming 

2-3-19 working with others: The secret

It is a test-proven concept about self-filling expectation:

If a leader has expectation for people work with him, make them know this and treat them like this; they will rise up to these expectations

This rule has 4 conditions to work:

1-     You believe that they actually can do and perform better

2-      You make them know this. This is crucial for this concept to work

3-     Deal with them like this

4-     Be reasonable about how good you tell them you expect them to do

And also this work vice versa; the less you expect them to perform, the less they will actually perform

And this has nothing to do with perception or the way you see it, this is tested and compared to absolute standards

But be aware of the cons of this rule:

-          Quality vs expectation: the more you expect them to perform, the more disappointed you will be when they don't live to your expectations

-          Contrast: you may perceive the bad worker that performs better than you expect better than the good worker that performs lower than your expectations; even if the good worker has more productivity and improvement rate than the bad worker >> as it is not a fair compare between the 2 workers, it becomes a compare between each worker and your expectations of him

So, always give your employees a good reputation to live up to and treat them like it. Leader's expectations actually influence the performance of people around him   

2-3-18 working with others: Planning fallacy

This applies on complex plans and things you don for the first time

-          If you didn't do it before, then you don't have much experience about it, and you don't have a good mental simulation because you are missing information and don't know exactly what you are doing, so you tend to underestimate the time it will actually take to do it

It always take more time than expected, for any unforeseen issues, unpredictable tasks, problems to handle, unexpected situations …. Etc.

It is a very normal things and it happens with most people all the time

We are bad at predicting deadlines and milestones time-points, we don't know what will happen in the future … people are almost never on schedule

So what is the solution to that?

-          It is not but extra weeks, months for slacking … BAD IDEA … it will just make people postpone and fit their work into the new extended durations

-          It is not assigning more people to it … communication overhead will just hit the sky and you it will take much longer time

The best solution is to divide the plan into certain small tasks; they are easier to predict … then put a small buffer time for but you don't tell people about it

And probably you will also be late on schedule

Here is the ingenious rule of this:

"It always takes longer than expected, even if you take into account this law"

-          Be patient with yourself

-          Understanding that being always a little late for schedule will make everyone work fast and do their best and there are no intentional slack time

-          Always assume that your schedule isn't quite right

And the best strategy to deal with this fallacy is to understand that:

"Plans are useless, but planning is indispensable" 

-          The process of planning  is the actually useful thing

-          Plans are just in-process guide to keep you going in the right direction

-          Deal with plans as processes more than some deadlines

-          Adjust as you go  and deal with them constructively 

2-3-17 working with others: Dissolution of responsibility

This is a psychological proven theory: the more the number of people watch/behold a certain situation, the less each one feels responsible towards it >>> the responsibility DISSOLVE among them

-          A basic management rule: when a task assigned to a committee, number of people, it is never done. Everyone just feel that the others will do it and it is not his responsibility to do it

-          A basic guideline in emergency training: when you are in trouble don't just yell "HELP" to everyone, but make eye contact with one person, single him out and order him to help you …. He will feel that he is the one responsible for aiding you and it is HIS –not anyone else's- job

When you want a task done:

1-     Give it to one persons (or many persons, with each one having only one partial, specific task of it)

2-     Set a deadline 

2-3-16 working with others: Model bias

= I am cool, I am the coolest creature in the entire universe and I have everything together and my ways to do things are the best ways in the world. You should totally follow my lead and if you don't then you are less cool then me

Are you ready for the shock: you are just another normal being and just because you think something might be the right way doesn't mean it actually is

-          Keep an open mind

-          Detach yourself from your actions, favorite ways, things … and try to look at them by people's eyes

-          Examine your actions against others by listing to criticism, see how other people do the same things, seek advice and considering the other options objectively 

2-3 working with yourself: Tip, Incentive; do not use it naively

-          The most common incentive to use is the money; raising the salary, commissions ….. etc.

-          On face to face sales, it is smarter on the long run to give the salesmen a big salary instead of

-          Give them a commission based on the high-end sales, they will just compete and focus on these customers and ignore the rest

-          Give them a commission based on closing the sale, it will just make them try to sell to as many customers as possible, this will make a lot of problems with the customer services especially dealing with PITA (Pain In The Ass) customers

-          Incentives can actually have the opposite effect. People do some stuff because it makes them feel good to give, for fun, they want to do it … and by incentifying them with money, you actually replace their original motive with money and it is not as thrilling to them to do it any more 

2-3-15 working with others: Incentive

People always have their incentive, different causes to act the way they do. It is not a wrong or right thing; it is just the way we live

Almost all the time you deal with people with different interests and incentives and causes and try to shift the world around them in their best interest that may be in your favor (interest) or against it …. Be aware of that

And even if you have mutual interest with somebody, you have to understand that your incentive may be different and you have to recognize his

Understand people incentives to know what they rewarded for

-          Yourself, your intrinsic motivations and goals

-          People work with you

-          Your customers

-          Affiliates

-          Competitors

-          Investors

And then deal with everybody according to his incentive and what will satisfy his needs

And never forget that proverb:

"Never ask a barber if you want a haircut or not"

2-3-14 working with others: Commitments

No one likes to appear as (oath breakers)

We don't like to break our promises. And if one of us makes a pre-commitment or a promise, they feel obligated to follow through to it than if asked a request

And one of the most effective approaches to do that (make your customers committed and just can't say no when you ask them to take your offer) is not to grab the "verbal" promise at once, but build a series of little, hidden commitments that build up into a compliance of a request at the end

Once you start dealing with them, you just

-          Say "YES" to every request they ask

-          Dedicate yourself to them

-          Fully answer any question they ask , be informative and satisfy their curiosity

-          Be sincere and close to them

-          Avoid apprising as manipulative at all

-          Make them feel that everything you do, say to them is special and you don't treat anyone like this, they are special

And while doing this, gradually ask them politely to review their options, see your stuff (in totally non-manipulative way), and when it is time to ask them for a sale, they won't refuse your offer

The only disadvantage of this is if you sold them a thing not useful to them and they took it from you out of embarrassment, you just lost a potential lifelong customer and a bad feedback. So make sure that you choose the customers that are gonna make use of your product before you use this strategy with them 

2-3 working with yourself: Tip, Authority, a disadvantage

Being an authority yourself has some advantages and disadvantages. One of the most worrying disadvantages is that the people under you find it easy and comforting and more beneficial to them to tell you the things THEY THINK you want to hear, not the things you actually want to hear

Be very very aware of this and read behind and between the lines and make it clear to them that you want the truth and the mere facts nothing else. 

2-3-13 working with others: Authority

Another ramification of the "Clanning" theory:

We have a strong tendency to listen to what an authority figure tell us to do

-          Even if that's against our morals or a ting that we don't want to do

-          Even if this "authority figure" tell you to do something irrelative to his authority area

We have authority figures all the time, and we ourselves are authority figures somewhere, for example;

-          Doctors in hospitals

-          Parents in homes

-          Managers in their work places

-          Policemen in formal uniform …..etc.

Mainly anyone who is perceived as a kind of authority has hidden, hardly noticeable power over us

That's why commercials are full of such people (actors of real people) in their full work clothes … because they represent some kind of authority to us that we tend to listen to and obey

The field is full of authority studies and results on the psychological and sociological levels and implication of these results in business areas. Overview them and see how to use them in your life, business, marketing campaigns … etc.

2-3-12 working with others: Social proof

Here is another term associated with signaling and convergence.

We are part of different clans, and we, the individuals (as part of our collective identity) , tend to mimic what the majority of the clan do to become more and more lie them with time

Also, when we enter a situation, a business, a market we do NOT know about, we do like what the other people do. Think about traditions and religions' rites, also what people do when they move form a country to another with a whole different culture … with time we become part of it

But remember; this mainly depends upon who is sending the message (the hidden order to do like he does) … the more that person looks like you, the stronger his effect upon you    

-          That is why testimonials are extremely effective in marketing

-          And that' why businesses popularity and sales has an automatic part in it, they have a momentum of their own as more and more people start to follow and use it 

2-3-11 working with others: Sending messages

Very often that people buy/do stuff because these stuff send a particular social message/signal …. This term is called signaling

-          people who want to appear rich often buy expensive stuff that other people can't buy

-          people tend to be exotic, different, stand out among others

-          people adopt certain lifestyles or religions or attitudes to send a certain message of their identity

-          for example:

-          clothes

-          watches

-          cars

-          places to live on

-          universities

-          vegan

-          green/organic products

-          clubs

-          sports

-          cults and secret groups/associations

-          illegal things

Of course we can't take a certain brand or attitude that some people do and generalize one signaling to all who adopt this, everyone has his own motives .. but generally most or a very large segment of people take that specific course of action for that signaling reason

We can track down all of the signaling or social messages people try to send to the four fundamental human drives: acquisition, bonding, learning and defending (or a hybrid of two or more of these) 

The more you can understand what these signals are and figure out what your targeted market actually want to communicate, the more you can use that in your advantage 

2-3-10 working with others: Convergence & Divergence

Continuing with the clanning concept: groups have a natural tendency to become more alike & less like other groups over time

There is a very honest and true quote (it changes my life after I heard it):

You are the average of the five people you spend most of your time with

What is the reason behind that? Through communicating with the people you spend your time with, they are influencing you and vice versa till you all come to an average over time

That phenomenon happen all the time across all levels; the friends zone to the races and ethnicities scopes

Considering businesses point of view; companies tend to have "cultures"; you hear all the time about a specific "type" of persons who work in a specific company, they became so alike that you can distinguish a google employee from a Microsoft or apple or Samsung or …… employee

So be very aware of what groups you belong to, who you spend most of your time with …. And pay careful attention to who you are becoming more alike and who you are becoming less alike 

2-3-9 working with others: Clanning

Human are very social creatures

We can't live alone. A very important part of us is the social identity. We do have our self-identity and another social identity; that's why we can die for the bigger thing we belong to even if the thing we sacrifice ourselves for will not hurt us in person

Another identity that we can't live without is (THE OTHER) identity. Every one of us has a self (other) and as part of a larger groups we have many (others) that oppose the and contrast the self/the clan, make it more visible and distinct and prove its existence and superiority

Countries/religions/races/colors/languages/sports teams ….etc. are prove of what I am trying to make clear; that the presence of us in a larger (identity) and the presence of the (other) identity is essential for us

Even if we are among people who are very much the same like us, we will find a way to make differences and split up to form a kind of bonding with a specific group and create the (other) one, the enemy. And that happens very natural and very automatic

Even in businesses, we make fans and teams and get at each other: Microsoft vs. apple – iPhone vs. android – windows vs. mac … etc.

And we are very influenced by people in our/ not in our groups, or to be a more accurate I mean people we consider to be/not to be in the groups we belong to 

2-3-8 working with others: Referrals

People prefer to do business with people they like and people they know

As a primal instinct, we fear the unknown and we assume that unknown things are risky

-          of course you prefer to deal with someone you know or even recommended by someone you know/trust than to do business with a completely new guy, even if the recommended one is a little more expensive to deal with

Look at it from the business side, the more people who know/like/trust/dealt successfully with you, the more business you will get

When you are being referred to by someone, you are not an unknown guy anymore but part of the clan/friends/acquaintances. Work is too damn easy from there as you don't need to build bridges of trust and the basis for the lifelong relationship; the loyal customer comes to you on a golden plate. All you need is to just do the simple job well      

Referrals are golden; it is like a cheat or shortcut in a game 

2-3-7 working with others: Commander's intent

"Commander's intent" is a management term in the army, and it reflects a very good and efficient management approach used extensively in the jobs of emergency that need fast thinking and decision making like the military, policemen, firemen, emergency doctors …etc. And it says:

Never tell people how to do things, tell them what to do and let them do it their own way

-          People just HATE to be told how to do their jobs in details. If you ever experienced that, it is kind of insulting and demeaning to  just be told what to do in details

-          The detailed orders and know-how is part of the micromanagement courses, it is useful at some cases but to use it all the time is one of the most uncomfortable and inefficient ways to communicate with your team/ employees/ people in general

That is related to many things;

-          making people around you feel comfortable and trustworthy

-          make them feel safe so that you can influence them more

-          make them flexible to changes and not just paralyzed when a sudden change occurs

-          saving tons of time trying to communicate the detailed know-how to them and respond to the changes in the plans

-          letting them feel responsible and that they are not just tools, but part of what they do

-          encouraging the creativity and ingenuity in them by letting them do stuff their own way and handle the hurdles themselves

All you need to do is just give them the two WHYs (why to do this, why THEM to do it), and give them the very clear objective (you can be very detailed and specific here to make them understand what exactly do you want), and then let them find different ways to do what you want. 

2-3-6 working with others: Give them the WHY

A psychological experiment:

A very long line of students were waiting to copy their papers, a person came and asked: "Can I cut the line?" ….. Almost none agreed to such request

Then he changed the question form: "Can I cut the line, please?" …. The exact same result as previous

Then he changed the question form to: "Can I cut the line because I am late for the class?" …. Many people agreed to let him cut the line and actually did let him copy the papers before them

People always when given orders, being requested to; they ask themselves the why question:

-          Why should I do this?

-          Why me to do this?

And they are much more likely to comply when you give them the answers to these two questions with what you tell them to do

Interestingly, actually amazingly, when the same person changed the question to: "Can I cut the line because I want to copy some papers?" …. He got the exact same response as "YES" as the last question he asked!!!!!!!!

-          It is like that all you need to give is the word "because" not the real logical reason itself

-          Like you must fill some planks in their heads to just make them comply to you, and the way to do it is to say because and then follow it by any shit

So, in the perfect case; when you order someone, request from someone, convince someone to buy what you are offering; give him the reason why HIM to do THIS

And if you fail to find a good reason … say anything … but say because, the magical word for compliance ;)

2-3-5 working with others: Safety

Safety is the other thing you need to open and keep a gold conversation and communication channel with others … and communication is the way you can influence (have power on) the people around you

If the conversation feels awkward, unnatural and uncomfortable; stone walls begin to rise up and the cold freezes everything … that is how conversations end and you lose that power you should have

So what is the solution for that? Make people feel safe to express what is on their mind without any fear that they are under the light, being judged by any means, not being criticized for what they say/ are going to say

And how to make people feels safe during communications? … Three things:

1-     Treat people with appreciation

Express appreciation for what they do all the time; make them feel that what they do is important to you

Even if you need to give them a very bad feedback, you need to express appreciation for the effort, time they dedicate to such bad stuff

And come on! Nothing is 100% pitch black, you always can find the positive, bright thing about anything; just say this as a gratitude and appreciation

2-     Treat people with courtesy

= Be polite.

  You can always shove any sentence with this polite shit all the time, for example;

would you please? - Could you please? - please do ….. – excuse me, … - thank you – thanks for your time – do you mind doing ….? - …. Etc.

Train yourself and just pick up any kind of conversation and you will find that you can fill it with such nice, colorful expressions … and by time it will be natural

And it is not just the words, it is also about the deeds; to accept small inconveniences for the sake of other persons … like opening the door for them – help them carry things – smile to them ….etc.

3-     Treat them with respect

Pay attention to them, not to demean them by any means, not to treat them poorly or show lack of interest, not being sarcastic or mock or laugh to what they say, do

And pay attention to that: they can forgive or ignore some of the small gestures of disrespect, but no one AND I MEAN NO ONE will forgive this attitude when done in front of any person, no matter who he is  

So, to sum up:

Your only power over people is influence, and to influence you need to open and keep a good communication channel … the ways to do that is two things

1-     Make them feel important

2-     Make them feel safe communicating with you, by:

a-      Treating them with appreciation

b-     Treating them with courtesy

c-      Treating them with respect

And always remember, we can apply these things naturally when things go smooth and fine

But the real power that will define you as a  perfect communicator, that will make you stand alone among all your competitors; is to remember and apply such stuff when you LEAST FEEL LIKE DOING IT

The moments that you feel you will hate yourself for being polite and caring are actually the only important moments to apply these concepts 

2-3-4 working with others: Make them feel important!

What other people want? They want so many things on many levels; get the job done, get money, buy and wear expensive stuff, to be famous … etc.

But there is a current, a touch of a very delicate thing that is running through every action and desire and aim of any of us …. And that thing is to FEEL IMPORTANT

Feel important to ourselves, to others; that we appreciate ourselves and seek happiness for it, or get appreciated by people, to be admired

That's a very special kind of "Loving Power" [Power here means influence] which is the hardest and last sin that a human being can get rid of in his spiritual path to his god (according to Sufism)

The more important you make people feel, the more they like and the more you can influence them

-          Listen carefully [or at least pretend to]

-          Be sincere and try to help them make the right choice even if that wouldn't be in your favor (make lifelong customers), they will trust you like hell after that

-          Maintain eye contact

-          Treat them like persons not a potential sale